What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
