Your favorite bartender is back from prision
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
