Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
