happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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