im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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