onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
