I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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