I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Never underestimate the power of titties
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
