You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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