I wish I could teleport
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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