you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
