Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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