awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
