I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
