i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
