I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
