I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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