my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
