Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
