I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
