i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
