I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
there is glitter all over my balls
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
