Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
