if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
