I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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