So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
