I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
