My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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