My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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