Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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