every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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