he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
