So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
