As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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