im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
