Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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