I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
