omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
