Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I am one with the molecules
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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