You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
