Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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