I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
