Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
