I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
