So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
