im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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