My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
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Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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