is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
