I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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