I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
