just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
