Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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