1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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