Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
