Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
