I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
