youre lurking in front of me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
