I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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