I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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