he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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