i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
