I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
